Everything's so hard to comprehend; sometimes we just feel like giving up.

2010-02-19T17:28:00.001+08:00

For all those times you stood by me;
For all those times that you made me see;
For all the joy you brought into my life;
For all the wrong that you made right;

For ever dream
For all the love I've found in you;
I'll be forever thankful, baby.

I'll be strong, I promise.

2010-02-15T21:08:00.001+08:00

Eh you buaysong with me then tell me la hor.
I know more than you think I do.

Noobshit.

2010-02-01T23:44:00.001+08:00

Fuck. My. Life.

2010-01-29T15:31:00.002+08:00

I'm gonna starve myself.

It's my only way of letting things out.

:')

2010-01-25T22:19:00.003+08:00

8 months.

I think I'm the happiest girl in the world right now.

:) :) :)

2010-01-18T10:49:00.004+08:00

URGH.

I don't understand why you have to talk to me like that all the time. WHY? Can't you just talk to me NICELY for once? ONCE. I know I'm stupid. I know I'm a fucking dumbass. SO WHAT? Was there EVER a time I talked to you with disrespect? Rudely? I DON'T THINK SO. So why are you doing that to me? I don't suppose you talk to your other friends the same way, do you. If you did I don't think they'd still be your friends today. SO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO FUCKING DO IT TO ME? WHY?

2010-01-15T23:32:00.001+08:00

Life is full of surprises.
I just met one, today.

Well come what may, I just pray that God will light the way for me as I know that the year will be tough. :)

Hmmmm Idk what else to say. I'm pretty much out of stuff to comment/rant about.

I think I'm a slut. HAHAHAHA. Joking.

Kbye.

2010-01-11T22:16:00.001+08:00

The world is never fair, huh.

Why do I have to see the ones I care about the most suffer?

Why is it that some people just do so well without working hard at all, while others try so hard but still fail?

Why is life so unfair?

Why can't God try to make it fair?

I'm losing faith.

2010-01-02T23:27:00.002+08:00

Ladidum.

School's starting. I think I'm excited.

Why do you do what you do?
Why do you think what you think?
Why do you say what you say?

I wish I could understand.

2009-12-28T23:21:00.004+08:00

I'm going to bintan in less than 12 hours and I'll only be back next year. No kidding. 1st Jan 2010, that is. HAHA. Yupppp, and like I always do every year, I'm going to write my new year resolution over here.

As a daughter/granddaughter:
1) Come home for dinner more often.
2) Spend more time with family
3)Treat grandma with more respect.

As a sister:
1) Get to know my brothers more.
2) Spend more time with them.
3) Pull Brendon along for church activities.

As a friend:
1) Be less bitchy.
2) Love though I don't like any particular person.
3) Be more understanding and sensitive towards others' feelings.
4) Be there for them when they need me.

As a girlfriend:
1) Less fights with him.
2) Things to go back to what it was before.
2) Be more understanding towards him.
3) Not to be so impatient with him.
4) Give him his own space when he needs it.
5) Be there for him whenever he needs company.
6) Love him with all my heart :)

As a student:
1) Study hard for O levels and reach target of 8 points L1R5.
2) Do my homework.
3) Consistent study.

Yep that's about it. If I forgot anything I'll just add it on. Well many things are floating in my mind now. I've realised many things. One of the most important is how much I've hurt him. How much I've been so unreasonable towards him. We've been fighting a lot recently and I hope the plan works. I know our love deserves a shot, I just know it. I hope that it works out. I really love him. I hope he does too. :\

So, I think you're a slut. A flirt. And everything else that comes along with it. But so what? I'm not going to bother about what you plan to do anymore. I don't think it's worth my time. YOU, are not worth my time. I've got so many other things to do and worry about other than you. So, yup. Be a whore, be a bitch, be a two-faced idiot. I don't give two big fucks about you. If you want a boyfriend and you're so desperate for one, find your own guy. Ryan's mine and we love each other. So fuck off already. He won't come to you no matter how much you try to flirt with him. Oh, and just a tip for you. Know and treasure who your true friends are. I know you just LOVE being around guys and all. But seriously, the one who has always been there for you is getting hurt BY YOU. Do you even appreciate all that she has done for you? I don't think so. Don't you even feel guilty? I'll leave that for you to answer yourself. At this rate you're going, your true friends will just leave you because you aren't a true friend to them. Step up. You're SIXTEEN years old. Older than me, by the way. Aren't you only showing the world how immature and naive you are? I thought you were a friend to me. Things didn't work out the first time, but we had a second shot after you got to know Ryan. It's only getting worse. I guess you truly believe in "friends with benefits", huh? Well here's one thing for you to note. Don't take your friends for granted.

Okay, off to bed. See you in 2010.

2009-12-17T22:34:00.004+08:00

So my 15th birthday isn't as smooth as anyone planned to be. I had fun. But by the end of the day, my jaw is dislocated, my ankle is recovering and I'm hating her more and more.

But, what's there to do?

I mean, it's not like she had a personal attack against me. It's not like she offended me. It's just her actions I absolutely abhor and find ridiculous. But I can't blame her. It's just who she is. It's just like in this world, there's bound to be someone you just can't get along with, no matter how hard you try. She's one of those, for me. But guess what? She's practically his sister. Treated like more than just a friend. How hard is that for me to stomach?

I can't stand it. It just makes me wonder : Why can't I be as perfect as she seems to be? I'm so jealous.

The worst part is that with everything so fucking obvious, I'd be surprised if she is oblivious to everything. Seriously. And if she knows, why is she still talking to him so much? I mean I know he's the kind who WILL reply when ANYONE talks to him. And I know that she's the one who always messages him first. If she knows, why would she still want to msg him all the time when there's absolutely NOTHING IMPORTANT to talk about? I don't want to jump to conclusions but any girl would jump to the same conclusion that maybe she just likes him.

Maybe.
But I hope not.

Think about it. If you were me, and your boyfriend and this other girl treat each other like siblings, have everything in the world in common and talk to each other so often, would you feel uneasy?

I'm sure you would.

I just hate that the more I want to show my love for him, the more it strains us. Every action I take against him was because I wanted things to improve between us. I really want our relationship to grow and not become stagnant. I merely wanted him to know how much I love him. But that only hurt him even more.

If only I could turn back time, I wouldn't even have done those things I did.

Every time when it's just the two of us, things just flow so smoothly, everything's so sweet. We're both so happy together. I don't fathom why it's always when we're with THEM, where I feel so insecure. So left out. So alone. I hate myself for thinking that way all the time.

WHY?
I wish I knew..

Someone told me that I should be thankful that I got a guy like him. Because he's really hard to find. Yeah, I really agree. I tried so hard to show that I'm thankful. But maybe I tried too hard. Every time I want to show my appreciation, it hurts him. Every time I want to show my love for him, it hurts him. I don't know what is right for me to do anymore. Maybe I'm hanging on too tight, but I can't let go because I keep thinking about that dream. That bad dream. And how I worry that it'll happen one day...

Laying my hand on my right jaw, feeling that swollen lump, I can't help but recall what happened on my 15th birthday. What happened because of my foolishness; what happened because of my stupidity; what happened because I couldn't take the fact that maybe she was just a better girl than I am.

It hurt.

Even as my jaw and ankle will eventually recover, that emotional scar will be etched on my heart, for a very, very long time...

Don't get me wrong, darlin'. I only wanted to show that I love you. You mean the world to me. And there's no other guy I'd rather be spending the rest of my life with. I love you with all my heart. Always have and always will.

xoxo,
kiara.

2009-12-09T23:26:00.002+08:00

7 days to my birthday. I wonder how it'll be like.

Nothing much to blog about anymore, I guess. I'm tired. Off to bed now.

우리 다시는 사랑에 빛나는 믿습니다. ♥

2009-12-03T21:48:00.004+08:00

I'm trying for your love;

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You

And the reason is You.

These 2 weeks have obviously been a huge rollercoaster ride for us. But I'm sure both of us learnt something out of it. I just hope that things will look up for us now. I miss the old times. Times where everything was just so peaceful and our lives were just filled with happiness. Times where everything was just about the 2 of us.

You may be the craziest, most gay-ish and most retarded person anyone has ever met,

But,
I love you to bits.

2009-11-28T23:57:00.002+08:00

We're falling apart.

My dearest Ryan,

I'm sure by now you would've noticed that things just aren't the same anymore. The love we shared is different now. Neither of us know why. But I, personally, want to know as this will evidently make things better for us. I wonder if you do too..

First thing's first, I'm totally fine with you being friends with her. It just gets a little uncomfortable when you get excessively close to her, unconsciously. Y'know? To the extent where not just me, but others think she's more like your girlfriend than I am. Call me oversensitive, but if others can feel the same way as I do, I doubt so. It's not that I want you to cut off all ties with her. I just want you to draw the line between her and yourself. Know where's the limit. You said it yourself, you're closer to her than any other girl. That's why to avoid awkwardness you have no choice but to be close to her. The fact that you're closer to her and that she's your 'sister' only shows that she's more than just a friend to you. Think about it, how would I, your girlfriend, feel? Unimportant to you?

As time passes, your angst is getting the better of you. No doubt, sometimes you have every reason to be angry. But I honestly don't think you had to resort to physical means. Is that love? Answer to that truthfully. The more it happened the more hurt I'll get. Why? It's simply because through your actions, you're indirectly telling me that you don't love me anymore. How can that not get me upset? I know I made you angry over many things, but I suppose there are other ways to deal with those things. I know sometimes you really don't mean things when you do them, but sometimes the way you put things across to me is really too harsh for me. Each time something like that happened, I'll always start thinking about stupid things again such as "He doesn't love me anymore" I'm sure you don't want me to think this way. I don't want to think this way either. Because I know that you love me. But sometimes your actions overwhelm me so much that I think otherwise. I'm sorry. I'm at fault...

I've been pondering over how to tell you this - I really love you. I want only the best for us and I'd do anything to save our relationship. As much as it hurts, I'll try even harder to make things work. I won't just go the extra mile to make things better for us, I'd go many more miles to make things better for us. Because all I want, ultimately, is for you to be happy with me ; me to be happy with you ; and US to be happy together. But it really takes 2 hands to clap. I can't do things alone. Would you, my dear, give me some help?

I hope we can talk things through very soon. I don't know how much longer I can go on with this uncertainty hanging over my head 24/7. As much as it may seem that I'm only getting more and more demanding and what not, I only have our interests at heart. I really want us to be happy for the rest of our days. I don't want us to be living with grudges and mistrust. Do you? :\

I hope we can talk things out soon. I miss those times where we just have a whole day of happiness. Just the two of us. With a peace of mind and nothing to worry about. Do you miss those times too? :(

I will always love you. Cross my heart.

xoxo
Amanda

2009-11-15T23:27:00.004+08:00

Con camp is over :|

ST. MARIA GORETTI;
I swear y'all are the best people I could've EVER met. Y'all are AWESOME. Like, totally! Thank you for making con camp so fun and enjoyable for me. And not to forget, thank EVERY one of you for being there for me when I was feeling down. Y'all indeed lifted my spirits! I hope this isn't the end for us and we should TOTALLY go out some day! Alrightttt? That'd be just great! :D ST. MARIA GORETTI GOES.... BOOM(Z) BOOM(Z) POW! BOOM(Z) BOOM(Z) POW! Shingsssssss! The most awesome-st cheer EVER.
Adriel(Ariel), Max(beng beng), Dominic(DOM hahahaha k i should shush about the meaning),Brian, Tania, Annabelle, Elizabeth, Amanda. And not to forget our awesome facils - Jerome, Justina and Lourdy. LOVE Y'ALL <3 <3 <3 <3 <3!

After camp, we finally managed to sit down and have a good talk. After a very, very, VERY long time, that is. I'm glad we sorted things out and I'm glad he understood where I came from. Anyway he sent me to the taxi stand where my family fetched me to go to my granduncle's birthday celebration and my parents asked him if he wanted a lift since we were going to East coast anyway. So he came on and, y'know. I'm just glad everything went just fine for us. :)

Sweetheart, I love you. You know that I do.

2009-11-14T00:27:00.002+08:00

Day 1 of confirmation camp - Done.

I'm super shag now. I'm sorry but it sucks when you're sitting here alone and there he is on the other end with the rest of the friends and wtf I feel so... ostracised? :'( this totally sucks.

.
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I. Miss. You.
:'(

2009-11-01T22:45:00.003+08:00

Just a little more.

I'm starting work tomorrow. Should I be excited? I guess so. At least this will occupy me for the week.

12 more days before the O's are over. Why is it taking forever to come? :( It hurts to see him study so hard and suffer at times. I try not show that I'm worried but I guess I just can't. I'm so worried that I don't think I can ever worry enough. I want him to do well, but yet not want him to suffer. I think I'm the most paranoid woman in the world as of now. How I wish I could take all the suffering from him...

:(

On the bright side, nat's back. Which means that there'll be lots more retarded stuff to come :). And I'm glad she made it into the choir. Whoopee.

I want to enjoy my holidays.

2009-10-04T22:31:00.006+08:00

I wish life was carefree.

Exams start this Friday. I'm about, say, about two-thirds done with my revision? I think that's kinda slow though. I hope that all this studying is worth it.

I'm so tired. Tired of this hectic life that I'm currently living. I wish I could just drop & forget everything and just enjoy life. With him. That's all that I want. Is that too much to ask for? What's the use of doing well academically when it ends up turning each and every one of us into monsters at the end?

I need a little more luck than a little bit
'Cause every time that I try, the words won't fit
And every time that I try, I get tounge-tied
I need a little more luck to get me by

I need a little more help than a little bit
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet
And every time that I try, I get tongue-tied
I need a little good luck to get me by, this time

2009-09-29T22:09:00.003+08:00

What makes us human, is our souls' vulnerability.

So it's about 10 days to the exams. Wait, make that 9 since the day is ending. I've been studying my ass out and I'm exhausted. Sometimes I wonder why I'm studying even harder than others but yet still do not fare as well. It's pretty unfair don't you think? Well that's life. I can't wait for my exams to be over. And even better, Ryan's Os to be over. Then the holidays will be a much more enjoyable one and I can relax for at least the next 2 months before my O level year starts.

Imagine walking alone down a road; Missing someone pretty terribly. You take a seat on a bench in a park; And watch as people - Couples, families with children, or even just a group of friends, Walk pass you.
You know that all this loneliness will be over soon; & he will be back, But it's still all too much to bear. But, still, you stay strong; Because you don't want him to worry about you.

Well that's pretty much what I'm feeling now. As the days leading to his O levels are nearing, I feel a greater distance between us. Perhaps it's my fault for being over-sensitive to such things, but I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder, doesn't it? Nevertheless, I can't wait for it to be over. There is about a month and a half to go. I will stay strong. I promised.

I feel inferior. I feel underestimated. I feel looked-down upon. The feeling isn't very pleasant, and I've been tolerating it for a very long time. Why oh why must it happen to me?

BABY, I miss you.

very, very much. :(

2009-08-17T22:41:00.000+08:00

Okay, school's starting to be much of a pain.

I'm in the midst of my common tests and I have a feeling I'm going to fail half of them. I really tried studying but somehow nothing goes in. Sigh. And I just realised that EOYs are in about 6-7 weeks time? OH MY GOSH. I'm screwed. I swear time will fly so fast that before I know it, I'll be sitting for my O's. Urgh.

I really think I'm growing old. Like, OLD. Idk why my back aches for no particular reason. :( :( :( Oh and I'm getting fatter. Seriously. I wanna get my abs back so I'm going to the gym. Right yinying? HAHA.

Okay, bio and amaths test this week. Screwed. :(

Oh I'm excited for the Boston Brass concert tmr. Idk why. Haha.

8 more days :)

2009-07-19T17:35:00.006+08:00

Okay, it has been a very, very long time since I last blogged.

School hasn't been much of a pain yet, but the tests are starting in the coming week so I have to brace myself for it. I don't want to be put into remedial 'cause I really find it unnecessary.

I hate that I'm an emotional wreck. It's bloody annoying, I swear. I wish my tear glands were not so hardworking. Always a moodspoiler. Urgh.

While everyone's out enjoying, I'm stuck at home with absolutely nothing to do. Why isn't my life as happening? I wonder.

We can always make things up tomorrow, or the day after;
but what if tomorrow never comes?

2009-06-28T23:02:00.002+08:00

The holidays are over and I'm not looking forward to school re-opening. Sigh. I'm still in the holiday mood. I still don't see the point as to why schools aren't closed though there's widespread H1N1. It's mild but still serious isn't it? Anyway, I haven't really finished my homework, so that's another plus point for not wanting to go to school tomorrow. Urgh.

YouthOutLoud yesterday was awesome. I had fun. Haha. Some of the bands were pretty good, I had to admit. Hmm...

Okay, I'm going to sleep.

2009-06-25T22:57:00.002+08:00

Dream. Love. Cherish.

Today was fun. Ryan, Ash, Nad & Verns came over for a swim. Stupid security guard had to kpkb -.- but screw her. After the swim, went to buy lunch @ the shops nearby and went back to eat. Played Hotel 626 'cause we had nothing better to do. First time I didn't scream, HAHA. Not bad eh. Then after awhile Verns had to go off so it was left with the 4 of us. Ash and Ryan started playing L4D while Nad & I were trying to sleep on my bed 'cause we were exhausted. I gave up after awhile and decided to join Ryan on the fooor instead. Surprisingly, I fell asleep almost instantly. So there we had it, 3 sleepyheads and I hardcore gamer. Whoops.

Woke up about 1 an a half hours later and realised that it was almost, uhhh, 5-6ish? so we started packing up. Ryan & Ash started to play Audition for no particular reason. I couldn't resist the temptation so I played a few games too. Finally, after so many months. Haha. We all left my house after that and Nad went home. Ryan, Ash & myself ended up @ lan. Played a game of L4d & 1 round of Dota. Went home after that as I had to be home by 9.30 anyway.

Omg I'm so so so so pissed of at you now. Urgh. So much for putting in all the effort & tolerating all the shit that I was put through with no form of gratitude in return. Urghhhhh. K I shoudn't care about you.

I'm so sorry for blowing up initially, love. Thanks for everything you've done for me. I really appreciate everything. You're the sweetest thing that could ever happen to me. Love you so much. Happy anniversary. :)

2009-06-23T22:01:00.002+08:00

A huge group of us went to send Fr Val off at the airport last night. It was really emotional for him, I guess. Noone could bear to see him go. Tears welled up in my eyes myself. After that, we had the time of our lives at Ryan's house. So much for studying eh -.- We all fell asleep at about 4? I'm not sure. Haha. Woke up 3 hours later and I think I was back to my usual morning grumpiness. Whoops. Pigged around until about 9 before going to a nearby coffeeshop to have breakfast. Went back after that, slacked for awhile before taking the bus back to Toa Payoh. Was so shag that I fell asleep from 1-3 before waking up for dental.

I extracted 2 more of my teeth today and it was 1239872457027412739 times more painful than the previous time. I bled so much more as well. I couldn't hold back my tears because it hurt too much and at that time I felt that death could've been a better option. Up till now I still feel the slight numbness and my lower gum is slightly swollen. My baby tooth must've really given the dentist a hard time.

Thanks for everything baby. I want you to know that I appreciate everything you did for me, whether it was big or small. I can't even express how I'm feeling right now in words to you. Love you so much.

2 more days! <3

2009-06-22T01:30:00.002+08:00

Because you're the sweetest thing that has ever happened to me;

Okay It's 1.35am and I'm surprised that I'm still awake. I'm currently addicted to Bejeweled. I swear I can play it for hours. And I'm starting to fall in love with dota. Shucks, this isn't good. :( I still have homework to do. Urgh.

P&W is in 5 days time! I'm so nervous. I really hope I don't screw up. It'll be damn embarrassing. Tsk. At this rate that I'm losing my voice, I'll never get anything done. Haha. Oh well.

I'm not looking forward to school re-opening. I wish the holidays could last forever, damnit. :(

I can't wait for the 25th to come! :) :)

xoxo.

2009-06-19T00:19:00.003+08:00

My mouth still aches. I wish the pain could just go away. :(

The week is coming to an end, my holidays are going to end soon. I don't know if I should be looking forward to the new school term. Hmm. Seems interesting yet stressful at the same time. I'm glad I managed to complete some of my homework today, but it's evidently not enough. I need to work harder.

Am I an easily-jealous person? Well coming to think of it, this question stumped me for quite awhile. I mean, when it comes to little things like someone faring better than me in the exams, I won't be jealous, but on a deeper level, it's pretty hard to tell. I wouldn't say that being jealous is entirely bad - in some situations, being jealous to a small extent shows that one cares for someone or something. But, obviously, provided it's not overdone. However, being jealous is more or less not a good thing, because it's a childish way of reacting to situations/people. Not that anyone could really help it if they grew jealous of anyone/anything. It's all part of human nature.

But as for me, I just hope that I can learn to control my emotions better. Sometimes it irritates not others, but myself that I get so easily annoyed just because I wished something could go the way I wanted it to. Even if I trusted someone 110%, there's still a possibility I'd get jealous over something that he/she did to/for someone else, but not to/for me. This is a topic which is very hard to comprehend, but I guess the only one who would really know and understand the whole situation, is myself.

I guess, there's so much that I have to think about. I think there's something about me that I should change. But I really don't know what it is. I need some enlightenment.

I miss you so.

2009-06-17T23:21:00.003+08:00

My mouth hurts because I just extracted 2 teeth yesterday. I'm putting braces soon & I'm very, very scared. Sigh.

I don't know why I can't enjoy life as much as I want to. I'm feeling lethargic now and I don't know what to do about it. I seem to get easily irritated and I pretty much hate it. I think I'm PMSing. Urgh this sucks. Why can't I enjoy life like everyone else? :(

This is absurd. I am crying for no reason at all.

2009-06-15T09:25:00.003+08:00

I need to stop procrastinating and start on my homework. The holidays are going to end very soon. Urgh. Everyone seems to be so hardworking and getting their work done. Why can't I? I feel so demoralised now.

I am still greatly amused at how some people just love to step over others and put them down just to make themselves feel better. It's reality but I find it so hard to accept. Why can't everyone just be loving people? Sigh.

I'm not prepared for P&W next Friday. I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown that day. There are going to be so many people, what if I screw up? Urgh :(

Just a little more luck;

2009-06-13T20:05:00.000+08:00

I wish I could understand why I find it so hard to understand people my age. It gets rather depressing when I see everything from a different point of view and there're occasional communication breakdowns. Sigh.

On a lighter note, tanning @ Sentosa was awesome. I managed to get my tan back.

I'm going to get my braces done pretty soon. I'm not afraid though, since I'm not that sensitive to pain. I just hope that I can still play my cornet after that though. Heard some weird stories of other brass players with braces. Urgh.

Okay, I'm off for some dessert @ Swensens & movie with family.